Friday, April 17, 2009

Engineer sent to Hell

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer — you're in the wrong place."

So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is becoming a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and asks with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake — he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

Make a wish

A man found a magic genie who would grant him one wish. The man said to the genie,” I wish that I had a non-stop bridge from here to Hawaii."

The genie said,” I’m sorry, but that's going to be very hard. Do you have another wish?"

The man answered, "Of course! I want the power to understand all women."

The genie thought for a minute. He replied, "How many platforms did you want on that bridge?"

Will do anything

A student comes to a young professor's office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, and kneels pleadingly.

"I would do anything to pass this exam," she says.

She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, and gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean," she whispers, "I would do anything..."

He returns her gaze, "Anything?" "Anything."

His voice softens, "Anything?"

"Anything," she repeats again.

His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you ... study?"

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Hearing aids

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. So he went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman came back in a month to the doctor for a scheduled check-up and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased you can hear again."

To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to their conversations and I've changed my will five times!"

Buying fabric

At a fabric store, a pretty girl spots a nice material for a dress and asks the male clerk: How much does it costs?

“Only one kiss per yard,” replied the male clerk with a smirk.

“That’s fine,” said the girl. I’ll take ten yards.”

With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, and then teasingly held it out.

The girl took the bag and pointed to the old man standing beside her, and smiled, “Grandpa will pay the bill.”

At the pearly gates

Three buddies died in a car crash, and they find themselves at the pearly gates.

They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?

The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was the greatest doctor of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say... LOOK!!! HE'S MOVING!!!!!"

Fun Things To Do In An Elevator:

1. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"

2. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, all of you just shut UP!"

3. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.

4. Sell Girl Scout cookies.

5. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.

6. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral

7. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, motion sickness!"

8. Meow occasionally.

9. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.

10. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."

Medical enhancement

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

Liquid Viagra

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.

Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Drug names

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Saturday, April 11, 2009

Will writing

A man and his wife were sitting in the living room discussing a“Living Will”

"Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all the beer.

Psychiatrist

A neurotic is the person who builds a castle in the air.

A psychotic is the person who lives in it.

And a psychiatrist is the person who collects the rent.

Police

The following 15 comments were taken from actual police car videos around the country. Count down to #1...

#15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

# 14 "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

#13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

#12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."

#11 "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

#10 "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

#9 "Warning! You want a warning? O. K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

#8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not." "Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

#7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and corn dogs and step in monkey poo."

#6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

#5 "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."

#4 "How big were those 'Just two beers' you say you had?"

#3 "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

#2 "I'm glad to hear that chief (of Police) Hawker is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

AND THE WINNER IS ...

#1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."

Chinese

What makes Chinese-CHINESE?

Please check the list to see how Chinese you or your friends really are. There are 29 ways to know if you're Chinese. You will laugh at yourself when you read all of them.

1. You unwrap gifts very carefully, so you can save and reuse the wrapping (and especially those ribbons).

2. When there is a sale on toilet paper, you buy 100 rolls and store them in your closet or in the bedroom of an adult child who has moved out.

3. You keep a Thermos of hot water available at all times.

4. You save grocery bags, tin foil, and tin containers. You use the grocery bags to hold garbage.

5. You hate to waste food:

(a) Even if you're totally full, if someone says they're going to throw away the leftovers on the table, you'll finish them. (Your mom will give a lecture about starving kids in Africa ).
(b) You have Tupperware in your fridge with three bites of rice or one leftover chicken wing.

6. You don't own any real Tupperware- only a cupboard full of used but carefully rinsed margarine tubs, take out containers, and jam jars.

7. You have a collection of miniature shampoo bottles that you take every time you stay in a hotel.

8. You wipe your plate and utensils or wash them in a small basin of hot water before you eat every time you go to a restaurant.

9 . You own a rice cooker and a slow cooker

10. You wash your rice at least 2-3 times before cooking it.

11. You fight (literally) over who pays the dinner bill.

12. You have a teacup with a cover on it.

13. If you're under age 20, you own a really expensive walkman if you're over 20, you own a really expensive camera.

14. You're a wok user.

15. You only make long distance calls after 7pm.

16. You prefer your shrimp with the heads and legs still attached-it,means they're fresh.

17. You never call your parents just to say, ' Hi. '

18. If you don't live at home, when your parents call, they'll ask if you've eaten, even if it's midnight.

19. Your parents tell you to boil herbs and stay indoors when you get sick. They also tell you not to eat fried foods or baked foods because such food are ' heaty' (yeet hey in Cantonese).

20. You e-mail your Chinese friends at work, even though you only sit 10 feet apart.

21. You always cook too much.

22. You eat every last grain of rice in your bowl, but don't eat the last piece of food on the table.

23. You starve yourself before going to ' All You Can Eat ' buffet.

24. You know someone who can get you a good deal on jewellery or electronics, computers.

25 . You own your own meat cleaver and sharpen it.

26. Your toothpaste tubes are all squeezed paper-thin.

27. You call a sausage a hotdog.

28. You wrap with napkins all the knives, spoons and forks of the airline that you fly on and put in your travel-bag as souvenirs

29. You never forget to take with you all the unused bath and facial tissues when you check out from the hotel because you believe that you have paid for it all.

 

ps. : for the record, I am Chinese. Are the above true? Get to know me and you’ll find out 8D … Norman

Sherlock and Watson

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. As they lay down for the night, Holmes said:” Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you see?"

Watson said, "I see millions and millions of stars."

Holmes: "And what does that tell you?"

Watson: "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes: "Somebody stole our tent."

Prescription

A lady walks into the drugstore and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic.

"Ma'am, what do you want with arsenic?"

"To kill my husband."

"I can't sell you arsenic to kill a person!"

The lady lays down a photo of a man and a woman in a compromising position.

The man is her husband and the woman is the pharmacist's wife.

He takes the photo, and nods. "I didn't realize you had a prescription!"

Math class

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class.

She called on him and said, 'Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?‘

Little Johnny quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'